Chartwells: A Crime Scene

Picture this: The political people, the drama kids, the GPA ones, the Kongres Krew, and the slackers. Typical school? No. This. Is. CANTERBURY.

Yes, thats right. At the prestigious college prep school located off college pkwy (coincidence? I think not), Cranberry school is full of the “special” groups. Jocks? Nope. Cool kids? eh. But they do have one thing- CHARTWELLS. Thats right, the all-american dream, where food dreamers can become believers in taste. From macho nachos to “unique” pizzas, Chartwells has been serving the Cranberry community, and public schools, forever. But what happens when one of their most prized chicken nuggets goes missing? Dateline NBC got on the case. And this is what they discovered-

-ONE plate

-THREE forks

-ONE ketchup wrapper

While this evidence could not lead to any scientific discoveries, it did lead to the capturing of Carina Murry, for not coming to the dreaded lunch duty- similar to jury duty; except in jury duty you don’t have to wipe down tables covered in food from the countless meals before. But at least with lunch duty you are not scarred for life- well, thats debatable.

BACK TO THE CASE

UPDATE: The secret Chartwells cookie recipe has gone missing under the watchful eye of the legendary lunchroom proctor, who has chosen to go nameless **cough cough JMILY EAVEDEN who was interning at the time cough cough**, the nameless proctor has told authorities that “if this recipe gets in the wrong hands, cookies everywhere will be tainted by the deliciousness of Chartwells, causing riots and cookie monsters everywhere to go broke from the unlimited supply of good cookies- it will be a tragedy.”

Just as *cough cough* Jmily *cough cough*, was telling us this devastating news, a new development was made! Thats right- the culprit for both the missing chicken nugget and top secret cookie recipe was found!!!!! And it was….. HARAMBE.

Harambe, known for aggressive behavior, teamed up with the zodiac killer to find and steal the secret Chartwells cookie recipe so that they could make cookies for their friends in the afterlife. Thats right- Harambe had come back from the dead to work with Ted Cruz to make the operation a success. An explanation of the missing chicken nugget? Harambe was reportedly starving as he left the Cranberry School and decided to have a bite.

For their crimes, Harambe was sentenced the death penalty- even though he was technically already dead. Reportedly, his dead gorilla mother, Helga, said this to Harambe as she witnessed him fleeing back to Earth: “If you ever come back from there you are so dead!” Well looks like Helga got her wish!

The zodiac killer was reportedly sentenced to a years worth of community service hour at his local Texas match-making company. It sure looks like he’ll be “Reigniting the promise of America!” now more than ever during his 2016 campaign.